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Анекдоты на английском языке

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Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75

cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50

cents, what would you have?

Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test

Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!

Teacher: Billy, name five things that contain milk.

Billy: Butter, cheese, ice cream, and um... two cows!

Willie, with a thirst for gore,

Nailed his sister to the door.

Mother said, with humor quaint:

"Now Willie dear,

don't scratch the paint!"

Cathy had a little car

And it was painted red.

And everywhere that Cathy went

The cops picked up the dead!!

A man was seated in the movie house with his arm around a large dog sitting

in the seat next to him. The dog was clearly enjoying the picture, even

yelping at the funny parts. A man sitting behind them leaned over and said,

"Excuse me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behavior!"

The man with the dog turned around and said, "Frankly, it surprises me too.

He hated the book."

Judge: Does the defendant realize that he was driving down a one-way

street?

Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honor!

Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?

Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!

Newsitem: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.

Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him

if they used two eyes?

While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came

face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank

to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got

down on his knees beside him.

"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you

joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my

life!"

"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"

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Newsflash: The police ar looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.

Caller: What's the other eye called?

Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.

Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?

What's green and crawly and has 100 legs?

A centipickle!

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender?

Shredded tweet.

Holdup man to cashier: "The movie was terrible. Give me everybody's money

back!"

Susie: Mommy, the new boy next door broke my doll!

Mom: That's too bad, dear. How did it happen?

Susie: I hit him over the head with it!

Mother: Well, Timmy, how did you get along with Dad while I was away?

Timmy: Just fine, Mother. Every morning he took me down to the lake in the

boat and made me swim back.

Mother: MY, that's a long swim, isn't it?

Timmy: Oh, I made it all right. The only trouble I really had was getting

out of the bag.

Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.

Friend: Jamaica?

Man: No. It was her own idea.

Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife.

Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like

that?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

There was a rooster on the other side.

Man: Who was that lady I saw you with?

Friend: That was no lady...that was my brother-in-law. He just walks that

way!

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

Customer: Do you have talcum powder?

Pharmacist: Yes sir. Please walk this way.

Customer: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!

Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.

Defendant: What's the charge?

Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.

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Judge: I find the defendant innocent.

Defandant: Does that mean I can keep the moeny?

Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.

Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!

Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?

David: Clean socks.

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?

Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.

Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

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Rick: How was your vacation at the beach?

Dick: Terrible. It was so dull that on the third day the tide went out and

never came back!

Jim: Joe is really lazy.

Slim: You're right. I wish he'd at least learn a trade so we'd know just

what kind of work he's out of!

Mike: Call me a doctor!

Ike: Why, are you very sick?

Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

What's the easiest way to catch a fish?

Get someone to throw one to you.

Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!

Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.

Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

Rob: The dog must enjoy that.

Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.

Ron: I only gamble for laughs.

Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.

Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?

Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals

came in at twenty-to-one!

When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes

disobey?

Because they were adders.

Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?

Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.

Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!

Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!

Patient: My leg hurts.

Doctor: Have you had this pain before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

Thief: Stick 'em down!

Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?

Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!

Jake: I've formed a new musical quartet with three other carpenters.

Ed: What do you call yourselves?

Jake: The Tuba Fours.

Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?

Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make

your own bed.

Saul: That's no problem.

Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth because he was making big

money?

Yep, about a third of an inch too big.

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Did you hear about the very nervous surgeon that was just fired from the

hospital down city? It wasn't so much all of the patients he lost as much

as it was the deep gashes he kept leaving in the operating table.

And then there was the very rich socialite who sent her pet poodle to

Berlitz to learn a foreign language. Her friends all said, "Don't be

foolish. A dumb animal can't learn a foreign language."

The dog looked up, arched his back and said, "Meow!"

A poodle and a shaggy boxer found themselves sharing a kennel while their

respective owners went on vacation. On the second day, the Boxer asked the

Poodle for her name. The Poodle replied that her name was FiFi and then

asked the Boxer for his name. "I'm not sure," replied the energetic dog,

"but I think it's Downboy!"

What meal do cannibals make from politicians?

Bologna sandwiches.

What kind of party did the friends of the female vampire give her before

her wedding?

A blood bath.

How do cannibals cook politicians?

In a crock pot!

As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the

shoulder. The intruder handed him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute.

Please let me play through."

"This is MY tee-off time," the golfer bellowed, shaking his head

vigorously. "Your handicap doesn't entitle you to play through!" Then he

proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.

"Nice shot," the fellow's caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving

the deaf-mute fuming.

While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball.

Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand. "What

is he doing?" asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.

"I believe he's holding up four fingers," the caddie replied!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer can take his wing-tips off.

How do relgious fanatics chase away agnostic neighbors?

They burn question marks on their lawn.

Did you ever wonder - most nights we go to bed when we aren't a bit sleepy, but we get up the next morning and we're dead tired?

John: I get very nervous the way you drive around those sharp turns.

Sue: Just do what I do - close your eyes!

Joe: My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.

Ed: Did that help?

Joe: It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

Joe: You're looking for a new cashier? I thought you'd just hired one!

Edna: I did - that's the one I'm looking for!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You'd take your shoes off first to jump on a trampoline!

Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella?

He ran away from the ball.

Little League Vampire: What's the best way to hold a bat, Dad?

Father Vampire: By the wings, son.

It was the new pitcher's first game on the mound, and he was not having a

good day. After his third straight walk, the manager cam out to the mound.

"That's enough," said the manager. "I'm bringing in a relief pitcher."

"But, look who's up to bat," said the pitcher. "The last time this guy was

up, I struck him out!"

"I know," replied the manager, "but that was this same inning!"

Doctor: What happened to you?

Patient: I went camping with a baseball player.

Doctor: What's that got to do with your black eye?

Patient: I told him to pitch the tent, and he did!

What is a pigskin for?

To hold a pig together.

How is an airline pilot like a football player?

They both like to make safe touchdowns.

What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?

Go to a secondhand store.

Why did the football player do a commercial for shampoo?

He was troubled by split-ends.

What's green, has bumps and plays football?

The Green Bay Pickles.

Dad: How'd you do in the game today, son?

Son: I made a ninety-two yard run.

Dad: That's terrific!

Son: Not really. I couldn't catch the guy I was chasing.

What's black and white and sticky all over?

A referee who fell in the sugar bowl.

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What is a cheerleader's favorite color?

Yeller.

What's black and white and green all over?

A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.

Only 13 seconds were left in the big football game. The home team was ahead

by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a

pass to one of the first year receivers who caught it, then dropped it. The

opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning

touchdown.

Asked how he felt about the defeat, the losing coach said, "Well, that's

how the rookie fumbles!"

Jack: How'd you break your arm?

Zed: I was playing football with a telephone booth.

Jack: What?

Zed: Yeah - I was trying to get my quarter back!

Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?

So he could stay on the court.

What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?

The.

Reproter: Do you like all of your players to be tall coach?

Basketball Coach: A player's height isn't important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.

Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.

Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.

Fan (arriving late): What's the score?

Friend: Eight to five.

Fan: Who's winning?

Friend: Eight.

First fan: Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?

Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?

First fan: He was built upside down!

Manager to wrestler: How'd you ever get out of that hold he had you in?

Wrestler: Well, I saw this finger sticking out, so I bit it. Then I got really mad because my finger hurt so bad!

Manager: Would you like to join me in a cup of coffee?

Wrestler: Gosh, Coach, I don't think we'll both fit!

Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

No - you should eat your fingers separately.

Where do hamburgers go on New Year's Eve?

To a meat ball.

How do you make meat loaf?

Send it on vacation.

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but she's got all Saturday night alone to do it.

Did you hear about the boy that does bird impressions?

He eats worms...

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"Dad, what would happen if I stole that little pony over there?"

"You'd go to prison, son."

"You wouldn't forget to feed him while I was gone, would you?"

"Mom, do you water a horse when he's thirsty?"

"That's right."

"Then I'm going to milk the cat."

"Louisa, did you change the water in the goldfish bowl yet?"

"No, Mom. They haven't finished drinking what's in there yet."

"My dog's got no nose!"

"That's too bad. How does he smell?"

"Terrible!"

"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"

"No, but in a restaurant one day I saw a man eating chicken!"

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?

Now he's all right!

How did the leper stop the card game?

He threw his hand in.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

An old man went to the doctor. "Doctor," he said, "you've got to help me. Every morning at 6, I pass water and move my bowels."

"So, what's wrong with that?" queried the doctor.

"You don't understand. I don't get up until 9."

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

How do you get a hanky to dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?

They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.

How many redneck's does it take to eat a possum?

Three. One to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

Joe: I paid my income taxes this morning.

Ed: Oh yeah? How'd it go?

Joe: Okay, I guess. The only thing I can compare it to is the way a cow must feel just after milking time.

Jim: So, Sam, how'd you do in Las Vegas?

Sam: Very well! I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig?

A pork chop.

Why did the basketball wear a bib?

So it wouldn't dribble.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a track-and-field star?

A floppy discus thrower.

If Elvis were to appear on stage tomorrow, how would he do?

He'd stink.

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The boss calls his new employee into his office. "I'm giving you a week's

notice. You're fired."

"But I haven't done anything," complained the worker.

"I know," said the boss, "and that's why you're fired."

What are hippies for?

To keep your leggies up.

What goes up a drainpipe down, but can't go down a drainpipe up?

An umbrella.

Why couldn't they sell soda-pop at the double-header?

Because the home-team lost the opener.

Ron: Mom, is it correct to say that we're going to "water the horse" when

we want to give him a drink?

Mom: Yes, Son, why do you ask?

Ron: Because I'm going to milk the cat.

What did the lion say to his friend when he saw two hunters drive by in a

Jeep?

"Aha! Meals on wheels!"

First kid: I've lost my dog.

Second kid: Why not put an ad in the paper?

First kid: Don't be silly. He can't read.

Man at an auction to auctioneer: I've bid a great deal of money for this

parrot. Are you sure he talks?

Auctioneer: Of course. Who do you think has been bidding against you?

Mom: Louisa, have you changed the water in the fish bowl?

Louisa: No, Mom, they haven't finished what's in there yet.

First man: Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?

Second man: No, but in a restaurant once, I saw a man eating chicken!

***

All the animals in the jungle decided to form themselves into football

teams and play a knockout competition. Over a period of several months,

dozens and dozens of teams played each other until the great day dawned or

the final match to decide the championship. It was a fast, hard-hitting

game. Thousands of animals from miles and miles around had gathered to

watch the great event and everyone was shouting with excitement.

The score was seven all and time was running out when Alexander Ant went

scorching down the middle. It looked as if he was just about to score when

Elias Elephant, from the defending team, squashed Alexander flat as a

pancake. The referee - Claude Camel - blew his whistle and came running

over.

"You've killed him!" he said to Elias. "That means a penalty - and I'll

have to send you out of the game."

"But, I didn't mean to kill him," pleaded the distraught elephant. "I was

just trying to trip him!"

***

First boy: Would you like to play with our new dog?

Second boy: I don't know. He looks kinda fierce - does he bite?

First boy: I'm not sure - that's what I'm trying to find out!

First boy: We just got a dog!

Second boy: What's your new dog's name?

First boy: I don't know - he won't tell me!

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Has it struck you that no matter how short girl's skirts get, they'll

always be above two feet?

Mom: Who was that at the door?

Junior: The Invisible Man.

Mom: Tell him I can't see him.

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "And how did you get here,

Mr. Brown?"

Mr. Brown replied, "Flu..."

A kind-hearted old-lady saw a little girl standing outside the school doors

crying. "What's the matter, Miss?" asked the lady.

"Rheumatism," replied the student.

"Rheumatism? At your age?"

"Yes," replied the little girl. "I failed the test because I couldn't spell

it!"

A passerby stopped to talk to a fisherman. "Is this river any good for

fish?"

"Must be," said the fisherman. "I can't get any of them to leave it!"

Vegetarian (bragging to friend): I've live on vegetables for years!

Friend: That's nothing. I've lived on earth all my life!

A boy was sitting on a street corner fishing in a bucket of water. A

little-old-lady passing by took pity on the boy and gave him a quarter.

"How many have you caught today?" she asked with a smile.

The boy looked up, smiled back and said, "You're the seventh."

Jim: I'm glad I wasn't born in France.

Ed: Why?

Jim: I can't speak a word of French.

As the judge said to the dentist, "Do you promise to pull the tooth, the

whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?"

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?

Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

A man staying at a very posh hotel had gone to use the swimming pool. As he

paused on the upper-most diving board, arms raised, an attendant screamed

out, "Don't dive!! There's no water in the pool!"

"That's okay," the visitor declared. "I can't swim!"

Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.

Ed: Why not?

Jim: They're long enough already!

Jim: My Uncle's got a wooden leg.

Ed: That's nothing. My Aunt has a wooden chest.

Ed: I wonder how I got this flat tire?

Jim: Maybe it was that last fork in the road?

A husband and wife had just arrived at the airport, parked the car in the

closest spot which was several hundred yards away from the entrance and

pulled and carried all of their luggage into the terminal, when the husband

stopped and sighed. "I wish I'd brought the piano with us," he muttered.

"Why?" asked his wife. "Because I've left the plane tickets on it."

Jim: This match you gave me won't light.

Ed: That's funny. It did this morning.

Jim: A loud noise woke me up very early this morning.

Ed: Oh, yeah? What was that?

Jim: The crack of dawn.

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The first kisses the misses - the second misses the kisses.

Policeman: Why'd you run away after you hit your ball through Ed's window?

Jim: Because I couldn't stand to see it go through all that pane!

What's black and white and green all over?

A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.

Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?

They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.

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When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a parking lot.

What is yellow and very dangerous?

Shark-infested custard.

Jim: My brother was arrested for stealing 200 yards of elastic.

Ed: Did he get caught?

Jim: Yeah. They put him away for a good long stretch."

A very stout old-woman was standing at a street corner when a boy in a

scout uniform came up and stood beside her. "Young man," she said, "would

you see me acoss the street?"

"Lady," replied the scout, "I would see you a mile away!"

Jim: I got a set of drums for Christmas. Best present I ever got.

Ed: Why?

Jim: My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play them.

Jim: What do you mean by going around, telling everyone I'm an idiot?

Ed: Sorry. I didn't know it was a secret.

Did you hear about the little boy whose name was Glug-Glug? He was supposed to be named Jimmy, but during the baptism the priest fell in the font!

Did you hear about the book Dan Quayle has just about finished?

He started coloring the last picture yesterday.

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school. Since

kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each

A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat

head.

Ed: Why are you laughing?

Jim: My stupid dentist just pulled out one of my teeth.

Ed: What's so funny about that?

Jim: He pulled the wrong one!

Boy: My brother is crazy. He thinks he's a dog.

Friend: How long has this been going on?

Boy: Ever since he was a puppy.

A bum approached me on the street and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I haven't

had a bite in weeks." So, I took pity on him - I bit him.

Boy: My dad's the best big game hunter in New York State. He hunts lions.

Friend: But, there aren't any lions in New York State!

Boy: Sure - now!

Boy: I haven't slept for a wink the last two nights.

Teacher: Why's that?

Boy: Graany broke her leg and they had to put it in a cast. The doctor told

her not to climb the stairs. You should hear the noise when she climbs up

the drainpipe!

Bob: Dad, would you help me with my math homework?

Dad: No. It wouldn't be right.

Bob: I thought so, but at least you could try!

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

Sis: Mom and Dad just bought me a bird for a pet.

Bro: What kind was it?

Sis: A keet.

Bro: Don't you mean a parakeet?

Sis: No. They only bought me one!

Tom: I wish you'd sing solo.

Laura: Solo?

Tom: Yeah - so low that I can't hear you.

Laura: Not very funny! Have you ever heard yourself sing? You should sing

tenor.

Tom: Tenor?

Laura: Yeah - ten or eleven miles away!

Bro: Why are you taking that ruler to bed with you?

Sis: I want to see how long I sleep.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your half-eaten apple!

George: Look! I just found a lost football!

Ed: How d you know it's lost?

George: Because the kids down the block are still looking for it!

Bruce: Do you know where I can buy some parrot seed?

Linda: Why? You don't own a parrot!

Bruce: I know, but I want to grow one!

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One eighth grader in Fulton was falling in love for the first time. Unsure

of himself around girls, he went to the library and took out a book on "How

to Hug." It wasn't until he got home that he discovered he had checked out volume 10 of the encyclopedia.

If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what will it become?

Wet.

Sally: I've added these same numbers up 12 times.

Teacher: Good, Sally.

Sally: And here are my twelve answers.

Motorist: I'm sorry to say that I seem to have killed your cat, Ma'm. I

feel very badly. Can I replace him?

Lady: I don't know - how good are you at catching mice?

Mr. Green is a butcher. He is six feet tall, wears a size 10 shoe and a

size 40 suit. What does he weigh?

Meat.

Billy: I'll have another piece of cake please.

Mom: If you have another piece of cake, you'll burst!

Billy: Then pass the cake and stand out of the way!

On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?

The outside.

An airplane carrying half American passengers and half Canadian passengers crashed on the Canadian-American border. Where did they bury the survivors?

Nowhere - the survivors are still alive.

Dentist: What kind of filling do you want in your tooth?

Kid: Chocolate.

What's the hardest thing about learning to roller skate?

The pavement.

Why was the mother flea crying?

Because her children had gone to the dogs.

Why does an Indian wear a feather headdress?

To keep his wigwam.

What is it that we have in December that we don't have in any other month?

The letter D.

Mom: How did you do on your first day at school?

Junior: Not so good, I guess. I have to go back tomorrow.

What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast?

Ghost Toasties and evaporated milk.

How does a witch tell time?

With her witch watch.

If you put three ducks into a crate, what would you have?

A box of quackers.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

How can you change a pumpkin into another vegetable?

Throw it up in the air and it will come down squash.

What's black and white and red all over? a. The newspaper (read all over)

b. A bashful zebra

c. A wounded nun.

What's black and white and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

What breaks but does not fall? What falls but does not break?

Day breaks and night falls.

Dennis: Mom, I just knocked over the ladder in the back yard.

Mom: You'd better tell your father.

Dennis: He knows. He was on it.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

Tell me two things you can never eat for breakfast.

Lunch and dinner.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing he can't come anyway.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

What can you hold in your left hand that you can't hold in your right hand?

Your right elbow.

Ed: I've been seeing spots before my eyes.

Will: Have you seen a doctor?

Ed: No, just spots.

How many peas in a pint?

Just one. (P's in "a pint")

If eight eggs cost 26 cents, how many eggs can you get for a cent and a

quarter?

Eight.

What bites but isn't alive?

Frost.

What do you get when you cross a mink with a kangaroo?

A fur coat with pockets.

If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

President Clinton and his wife decided to attend a Yankee baseball game at

the invitation of George Steinbrenner. Shortly after they'd been seated,

Bill picked up Hillary and threw her out of the special box.

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*"What's a lightbulb?"

*One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

*Two. One to hold the diet Pepsi and one to call, "Daddeeeee..."

How many hardware technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they send the problem over to the software engineers.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they decide to let the end user fix the problem.

How many real women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - real women dine by candlelight.

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey had checked into a fat farm for two weeks?

She lost 14 days.

A 59-year-old man began to dress after his physical. "Doc," he began, "do

you think I'll make it another forty-one years so that I can reach 100?"

"Do you smoke?" the doctor asked.

"No," the patient replied.

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you fool around with women?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, then." the physician wondered aloud, "why the hell would you WANT to live another 41 years?"

Frank and Matt had been working for SpaceShot Industries for years with the assignment of building the ultimate computer. When they finished, last

week, the first thing they asked the computer was, "Is there a God?"

The intantaneous reply: "There is NOW!"

What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?

A Harry Reasoner.

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Three more bullets.

A cannibal was running through the woods when he came across two

missionaries camped alongside a stream. One was writing in his journal and

the other was reading the Bible. Which one did he eat?

The one reading the Bible because readers digest and writers cramp.

What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the top of her coffin.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look - change is a gradual process. I think that you're forgetting that our

government was the first in history to introduce lightbulb reforms! If

you'll note, the latest statistical trends show that lightbulb use is on

the increase, and yet I can categorically state that our goal is that by

1994, not one lightbulb will be in darkness. Furthermore, I want to make it

abundantly clear that I have been outspoken in my support for (blah blah

blah).

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

Bob: It says in this book I'm reading the Eskimos eat whale meat and

blubber.

Ed: I think if I had to eat whale meat, I'd blubber too!

What did the mortician tell the smoker?

It's not the cough that will carry you off - it's the coffin they will

carry you off in!

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? Why isn't she in the kitchen cooking dinner?

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Two sixpacks.

A man and his buddy were playing golf when they noticed a funeral

procession going by. The man steps back away from the tee, removes his hat

and places it over his heart until the parade of cars has gone by.

"Hey," said his buddy, "that was really nice of you to pay your respects

like that."

"It's the least I could do," said the guy. "After all, we were married for

35 years."

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What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a mink?

A fur coat, but the sleeves are too long.

What do they serve cannibals who are late for dinner?

Cold shoulders.

When do cannibals leave the table?

Not until everyone's eaten.

Why did the cannibal roast the fortune teller for hours?

He liked his mediums well-done.

What do cannibals put out at dinner parties instead of hors, d'oeuvres?

Finger bowls.

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?

Because Noah sat on the deck.

Why did the owl make everyone laugh?

Because he was a hoot.

What is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

What is in fashion, but always out of date?

The letter F.

If an orchestra plays in the rain, who's most likely to get hit by lightning?

The conductor.

Why does a dog wag it's tail?

Because no one else will wag it for him.

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

With what vegetable do you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the

outside and throw away the inside?

Corn-on-the-cob.

What is the beginning of eternity,

The end of time and space,

The beginning of every end,

and the end of every race?

The letter e.

Why do dogs scratch themselves?

Because they're the only ones who know where it itches.

What would you do if you were in the dessert with no food or water?

Open your watch and drink from the spring, then eat the sand which is

there.

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There's an old saying that cats have nine lives. Do any animals have more

than that?

Frogs - they croak every night.

Teacher: Jimmy, where is the Red Sea?

Jimmy: On my report card!

What's brown, wrinkled and lives in a church tower?

The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

Country cousin: Well, was the horse I loaned you well-behaved on your ride?

City cousin: Yep. Every time we came to a fence, he let me go over first.

Pam: Why don't you play checkers with Alvin anymore?

Ed: Would you play checkers with someone who cheats all the time?

Pam: No.

Ed: Well, neither will Alvin.

What did Noah say to his children about fishing from the deck of the ark?

Go easy on the bait, kids. I've only got two worms.

Harry: What a beautiful stuffed lion. Where'd you get him?

Larry: My uncle and I went to Africa last year.

Harry: Nice trophy! What's he stuffed with?

Larry: Unfortunately, my uncle.

Why was the chicken sad?

She thought she had people-pox.

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because their feet smell so bad.

The woman was in court, charged with wounding her husband. "But madam,"

asked the judge, "why did you stab him over 100 times?"

The woman replied, "I couldn't figure out how to switch off the electric

knife!"

Patient: Doctor, I'm seeing double.

Doctor: Close one eye.

Patient: Doctor, sometimes I think I'm Napoleon.

Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

Patient: Ever since Waterloo.

What's thick, black, floats on water and whispers the word, "underwear."

Refined oil.

What's thick, black, floats on water and yells out the word, "panties!"

Crude oil.

What kind of ship does Count Dracula sail on?

A blood vessel.

What kind of song does Madonna sing when she's driving her car?

A cartoon.

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they can't find shoes to fit them.

A man who was very upset went to see his physician. "Doctor, Doctor," he

said, "You've got to help me!"

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I keep having this same dream, night after night. I'm walking down this

hall and I come to a door with a sign on it. I push and push and push, but

I can't get the door open."

"What does the sign say?"

"Pull."

What's white and flies?

Super spud.

A doctor visited his patient in the hospital just after the operation.

"I've got some good news and some bad news for you," said the doctor.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"Let me hear the bad news first." responded the patient.

"During the operation we found that your leg was beyond repair and we had

to amputate at the knee."

"Oh, My GOD! That's awful," said the man, sobbing. "What could possible be the good news?"

"The man in the next bed is willing to buy your slippers."

Who carries a sack and bites people?

Santa Jaws.

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"Mommy, Mommy! Everyone at school says I look just like a werewolf!"

"Now, now. Don't you worry about it, Billy. Just go up and comb your face."

Down the street the funeral goes,

As the sobs and wails diminish.

He died from drinking varnish -

But he had a lovely finish.

"Doctor, Doctor! I've got carrots growing out of my ears!"

"Unbelievable! How did this happen?"

"I've no idea! I planted cabbages!"

How can you tell the happy cyclist?

By the bugs caught in his teeth.

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia!"

"Shut up and keep digging!"

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York marathon?

One ran in short bursts, the other ran in burst shorts!

"My dog is the smartest!" said Billy.

"How smart is he?'" asked Sam.

"He's so smart, when I tell him to 'get down,' he starts to dance."

Know another way to describe a chair?

Headquarters for your hindquarters.

What's red, carries a sack of toys and falls down chimneys?

Santa Klutz

Jenny: We had a star dinner last night?

Ginny: Yeah? What was it called?

Jenny: Mickey Rooney and cheese.

Cupid: What do you call Santa's helpers?

Comet: Elves?

Cupid: Nope. Subordinate Clauses.

Porky Pig: I never sausage heat!

Miss Piggy: Yes. I'm almost bacon!

Teacher: Jeff, please make a sentence using 'officiate'.

Jeff: I got a stomach ache last night from officiate.

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You know it's going to be a bad day when they roll you into surgery and the

doctor has little pieces of toilet paper stuck to his chin.

Flying increases your appreciation of bathrooms that stand still while

you're using them.

Two things to look for in a luxury car are an unlocked door and a set of

keys in the ignition.

My car had a rattling noise in the back, so I asked my mechanic about it.

He said I should consider letting my mother-in-law out of the trunk.

This is a strange but true fact about the human body: If all of your blood

vessels were laid end-to-end, you'd be in a lot of pain.

A kid with a few packages in his arms asked a passerby, "Will you open the

gate for me?"

The passerby said, "Of course, sonny."

The kid replied," Thanks. The gate was just painted and I didn't want to

get my hands messy."

What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent man?

Bigfoot has been spotted.

What do you call a man who loses 99% of his brain?

Divorced.

Buddha was resurrected and wound up in New York City. Walking down the street, the first friendly face he saw belonged to a hot dog vendor.

Walking up to the man, Buddha said, "Make me One with Everything!"

The doctor spoke to his patient, "I've got some good news for you and some

bad news. The bad news is you've got a serious disease. Only one in ten

people with this disease survive."

The man broke down and wept, but at last he summoned the fortitude to ask

the doctor about the good news.

"The good news is, the last nine patients I had with this disease died."

How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it in and two to chant, "You're looking huge man,

you're looking huge!"

Did you hear about the new holiday package that Liberty Travel has put

together?

It's a four week vacation in Iraq with access to it's newly opened 470,000

hole golf course.

John: Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened on the moon?

Ed: No, tell me about it.

John: Well, the food is wonderful, but it has no atmosphere.

Ed: What time is it when Dracula goes to the dentist?

John: I don't know.

Ed: Tooth hurty.

John: Did you know I was going to be a professional parachutist?

Ed: Oh, yeah? What happened?

John: Things just didn't open up for me.

Why was the moron fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he just couldn't concentrate!

"I'm so happy!" one fly said to the other.

"How come?" queried the second fly

"Because I just passed my screen test with flying colors!"

Confucius say, "Give some men an inch, and they think they are rulers!"

Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.

John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Ed: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have canary disease.

Ed: Now give me the good news.

Doctor: It's tweetable.

Caveman 1: I heard that you hurt your back. What happened?

Caveman 2: I did it while hunting dinosaurs.

Caveman 1: Oh yeah? What happened - did one chase you?

Caveman 2: No - I did it while moving the decoys.

Finn and Huck were good friends. Huck died. No one was worried though.

Everyone said, "Huck'll bury Finn."

What do you do with a blue tomato?

Cheer it up.

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?

Because she ran away from the ball.

Why do good bowlers bowl so slowly?

So they have time to spare.

Why did the moron sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time.

Where does Friday come before Thursday?

In the dictionary.

What should you do with a green monster?

Wait until it ripens.

What sits on the bottom of the ocean and quakes?

A nervous wreck.

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?

Because she can't sit down.

Why is carjacking so popular in New York City?

It's easier than getting a cab.

What do you have if a midget psychic is running from the police?

A small medium at large.

What's big and red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

Why do witches ride on brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners are too hard to fly.

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries. "Didja get anything on that last heist?" asked Jack.

"Nutin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out dat de guy who lives dere is a

lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't dat da breaks," his friend sympathized. "Didja lose anything?"

Did you hear about the poor guy at GE who used up all his sick days and

STILL wasn't better?

He called in dead.

"How're things with you and Marge?" a friend asked Ken.

"Well, as usual, we couldn't agree," Ken replied. "She wanted a mink coat

and I wanted a Porsche."

"What happened?"

"Actually, we compromised. We bought the mink coat, but we keep it in the

garage."

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

Why did the blonde put her watch under her desk?

Because she heard she could earn more if she worked over time.

A lawyer dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, God, Noah and

all of the 12 disciples. "Why the huge welcome?" the lawyer asked.

"Because you're the oldest man ever to reach the pearly gates!" replied

God.

"But, how can that be?" asked the lawyer. "I'm only 63."

"Not according to all of the time you've billed your clients!"

Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air?

So they can trip the birds.

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Why is life just like a shower?

One wrong turn and you're in hot water!

What should you do if you don't feel well?

Take off your gloves.

How can you keep flies out of your kitchen?

Keep a bucket of manure in the living room.

Knock knock! Who's there?

Noah. Noah who?

Noah a good place to have supper?

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?

Chet: Anna said she met U2 at a concert, but Anna lies.

Two neighbors were having a chat across the backyard fence. "My son is

learning to play football this year," said one mother.

"What position does he play?" asked the other.

"The coach said he's a 'drawback.'"

What's the best thing to give a seasick elephant?

Plenty of room.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm invisible?

Who said that?

What's sweet and sour and dangerous?

Take-out kung food.

What's a cannibal's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

It was on a holiday flight and one little boy kept running up and down the

aisles, annoying all of the passengers. His parents were so engrossed in the movie that they didn't notice the trouble he was creating.

Finally, one man got so irritated, he yelled to the boy, "Sonny, why don't

you go outside and play?"

Knock knock. Who's there?

Ammonia. Ammonia who?

Ammonia little girl and I can't reach the bell.

First monster: The beautiful girl over there just rolled her eyes at me.

Second monster: Well, you'd better roll them back - she might need them!

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating a bowl of stew.

Along came a spider

And sat down beside her.

Guess what? She ate him up too!

Bob: My girlfriend and I had an argument last night. She wanted to go watch

ice skating and I wanted to watch football.

Ed: How was the ice skating, anyway?

Doctor, Doctor - please help me out!

Certainly - which way did you come in?

What's the silliest country in the world?

Twitzerland.

What did the monster say when he saw Snow White and the seven dwarves?

"Yum, yum!"

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. A right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

Tagline: 5 out of every 4 people have trouble with fractions.

What do you call any mistake a ghost makes?

A boo-boo.

When I die, please bury me deep,

Bury my history books at my feet.

Tell the teacher I've gone to rest -

And won't be back for the history test.

What's a twip?

When a wabbit takes a twain wide.

Where can you find baby soldiers?

In the infantry.

Mommy, Mommy! It's really getting hot in here. Can I come out now?

No, dear. Do you want the REST of the house to catch on fire too?

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with both hands when she sneezed?

To catch her false teeth.

Knock knock. Who's there?

Sheila B. Sheila B. who?

Sheila B. comin' 'round the mountain, when she comes.

There was a fight at the seafood restaurant last night - a whole lot of

fish got battered!

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?

For buttering up the teachers.

Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing double!

Take a seat, please.

Which one?

Police have just reported that a truckload of prunes was hijacked on the

thruway. They're looking for a man on the run.

Why did the monster have to buy two tickets when he went to the zoo?

One to get in - and one to get out.

Tagline: A man is known by the company he avoids.

It took Shelley three years to realize that going to a psychiatrist every

week wasn't doing any good at all. Now she was broke when, to begin with, she had only been cracked.

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What's pink, has a curly tail and drinks blood?

A hampire.

A boy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed.

The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks, "How many birds do you

have?"

The kid replies, "None, yet. But I hope to grow some!"

Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?

An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, what's wrong with you?

You're built upside down!

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra-crispy.

What's the difference between Rosanne Barr and a Hell's Angel?

The motorcycle.

Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?

All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

Why is Nelson Mandella just like an old W.W.II K-ration?

They've both spent a long, long time in the can.

What do the German Army and Elizabeth Taylor have in common?

They both lost the Battle of the Bulge.

Did you hear that Billy Martin was on the radio?

And on the steering wheel, and on the dashboard and on the carpet ...

What did Billy Martin do that no other ballplayer could?

Die sliding home.

George Washington will go down in history for saying, " I cannot tell a

lie."

Richard Nixon will down in history for saying, "I cannot tell the truth."

And Ronald Reagan will go down in history for saying, "Uh,...I forgot!"

"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to

the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.

"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!"

So the old man sat down and wept too.

When Irving retired, he and his much younger wife moved to Boca Raton. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make up a will, so he

made an appointment with a lawyer. "It's nice and straightforward," he told

the attorney. "Everything goes to my wife, Rachel - the house, the car, the pension, the life insurance - on the condition that she remarry within the year."

"Fine, Mr. Patron," replied the attorney. "But do you mind my asking why

the condition?"

"Simple: I want at least one person to be sorry I died."

What's the best thing about turning 65?

No more calls from insurance salesmen.

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten

minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally

the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on

the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's

just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my

blood pressure pill."

Two old women decided to vacation at a Catskills mountain resort. "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible," commented Gladys after dinner the

first night.

Sylvia nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and such small portions, too."

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends on what kind of insurance the bulb has.

The lawyer marched into the brig and announced that she had some good news and some bad news.

"What's the bad news?" asked the hulking private who'd been found guilty of

bludgeoning an inoffensive ensign to death.

"The provost marshall has refused to issue a stay of execution."

"Well, what's the good news?"

"I got your voltage reduced."

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He

fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send:

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out.

A myth is a female moth.

Dead animals make rotten pets.

Farmer: Is my pony really sick?

Vet: No. Just a little horse.

What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?

Ten feet of barbed wire.

What kind of luggage do vultures take with them on airplanes?

Carrion.

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a good book. Inside of a dog, it's

too dark to read.

One goldfish says to another, "If there is no God, then who changes the

water?"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey see, monkey do.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

My neighbor has a dog that is a snob. His name is Fido, but he spells it

Phydeaux.

To err is human, to moo is bovine.

What's the difference between a horse race and an election?

In a horse race, the whole horse wins.

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What's brown and lives in a belfry?

The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What would you get if Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader?

Ella Vader!

Why couldn't Motzart find his teacher?

He was Haydn!

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?

Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

What did the monster eat after it had its teeth pulled?

The dentist!

Where do baby monsters come from?

Frankenstorks!!

What makes the floors of a basketball court get so wet?

The players... they dribble a lot!!

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Английские детские загадки

Милые смешные загадки для детей, которые знают английский уже на достаточно хорошем уровне.

Пока загадок не так много, но мы будем над этим работать.

Riddles

What is black and white and pink all over?

An embarrassed zebra.

What clothes does a house wear?

Address.

Why do birds fly south in winter?

It's too far to walk.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Why did the bird cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

What is a bird after it is 5 yeas old?

Six years old.

What has lots of eyes but never sees?

A potato.

What is always in bed but never sleeps?

A river.

What gets bigger the more you take away from it?

A hole.

What black and white all over?

A newspaper.

What kind of apple isn't an apple?

A pineapple.

Where were lemons first found?

In a tree.

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